Hopeful !

Getting ready for the New Year !

The Perfect Year

Bring out the old, bring in the new
A midnight wish to share with you
Your lips are warm, my head is light
Were we alive before tonight?

I don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything I want is here
If you're with me, next year will be
The perfect year

No need to hear the music play
Our eyes say all there is to say
The clock has struck
The die is cast, let's take a chance
Forget the past

I don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything I want is here
If you're with me, next year will be
The perfect year

I don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything I want is here
If you're with me, next year will be
The perfect year

It's New Year's Eve, and hopes are high
Dance one year in, kiss one good-bye
Another chance, another start
So many dreams to tease the heart

We don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything we want is here
And face to face, we will embrace
The perfect year

We don't need a crowded ballroom
Everything we want is here
And face to face, w will embrace
The perfect year

---

Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber
Show: Sunset Boulevard

"You will never be a size 5.."

I have always believed in managing expectations. We expect to be this or that.

We expect to be be someone else's dream guy.
We expect ourseleves to meet other's expectations.

Living up to expectations.
Heavy... it can be, if you don't have it easy somehow.

But then, how many times do we realise, we have our own in-born limitations?

I am not saying that we resign to the "what to do, born like that what..." attitude.
That's not putting in effort. Nothing comes by without effort.

I wanna confess that the past 2 weeks have been the worst days of my life.

I allowed myself to wallow in the dumps for the longest time since the days when
I didn't make the cut as a military pilot.
My loss and failures suddenly overwhelmed me.
I let them.
Alone.

Life. Relationship. Career.
All came to a total halt. Crushed.

2 weeks.
And finally I managed to remind myself, I have to manage my own expectations too.
I have also my own limitations.
I reminded myself of my strengths and weaknesses.
I have times when I am not as resilient as I thought myself to be.

I don't know how I could navigate out of this mess.
I will try.
To the best I can, with the resources I have.
As the person I am.

So let me borrow a scripted line from a chick movie I saw long time before.
"You will never be a size 5..."

Hell.
I just make sure I be the sexiest size 10 as I can be.

Today.
26 Nov 2008.
4pm Singapore time.

I am back.

Project 100 - Update

Ok I am serious.

Really.

Aim.

An impulsive trip down memory lane...

I just have to...














And there are so so so so many more.....

45 Years of Celebration

Thanks for the memories Channel 8.

I remember the night together with
my granny watching the programs
on her black and white TV.

From black & white to color CRT tv
from projection to LCD
Channel 8 had provided a focal
time for me and my loved ones.

To my friends,
Michelle,
Han Wei,
Zhen Rong...
Thank you for being part of it.

My heartiest congratluations again
and thanks for the memories.

Travelling

Been wanting to go travelling. I have not had that opportunity yet.

I am looking forward to the day when I can drop everything and see the world.

Experience the culture of each country,
the vibrance of each city,
the simplicity of each village.

Will I be alone on that trip ?

Or will I find companions on the same path?

Either way I am sure it will be a blessing.

冰糖葫蘆

冰糖葫蘆
Bing Tang Hulu (Candied Haw on a Stick)

Had them in Beijing. And they are fresh !
I can run thru 3 sticks at one go.

I miss them, absolutely uplifting.
Inexpensive treat anytime.

Darn. I have a craving for it now.

What can $12 million do?

I read with mixed feelings about the losses that 2 town councils lost through investing their sinking funds in the failed products of Lehman, Merrill Lynch and Morgan Stanley.

To me I think the principle and spirit behind the investments are sound. However, the process of selecting the right investment vehicle seems to be found wanting in my opinion.

These funds are still public funds.

So the same care must be shown for all public monies as with the sinking funds. Town councils are not Temasek Holdings or GIC. I don't think they have investment analysts in their payroll (or do they ???). If they have fund managers, I think we ought to know who they appointed.

100% risk-tolerant in these cases, seems to be very uncalled for. There are no guarantees at all.

MND say they have guidelines and yet do not wish to over-limit the flexibility the Town Council has over their funds. I think that is a surprising about turn in managing public funds !

I am shocked into asking the following questions :

1. Isn't the Ministry of Finance the final authority in giving guidelines on the usage of public funds ? And that such further inter-ministry guidelines are issued in line with MoF guidelines?
So did MND follow MoF overall guidelines?

2. The disbursement of such large amount of cash for investment in high-risk products would have been reported through to the Accountant-General office. Why were there no question raised ?

3. The annual audit of accounts would also have picked up such high risks disbursements through the Auditor-General office. Why were there no mention in the last AG report to the Parliament?

4. If the above are circumvented, does that mean the top-man in Town Councils have such high authority ?

5. If they appoint fund managers, are there processes and frameworks set-up to review fund manager's performance and investment style ?

I am questioning because I feel the loss of the money - heartpain ah - could be better used elsewhere such as :

- helping needy families have a roof over their heads
- setting up more bursaries to help needy students to get a chance in education
- provide more grants to AFA for stronger public awareness of sexual diseases and education.
- build more handicap friendly facilities etc

That's alot what $12 million can do !

I don't think the public should let it go like this. An inquiry should be set up. Clear the air.
Since we have been harping on good governance, I think the public deserve the explanation.

Weaknesses

Wine and desserts, particularly ice-cream are my weaknesses.

Share with me a nice glass of wine and a delish ice-cream and I am yours !

Of course, I am talking about gastronomical weaknesses here.

Salut !

Rush...

Yes I am rushing.... its a struggle.

I am desperate to get life back into a discipline which will offer me a system.

Work is pressurising and getting crazy. I guess we are trying to balance things a bit.

I am rushing to complete my work before December comes.

I am rushing to get my gym work into a fixed disciplined schedule.

I am rushing to get change in !

Ha ! Enough of grumblings.

Next up ! Thanksgiving and Christmas....

Project 100 days - update.

Kinda wierd.... been at it rather regularly. I realised I gained another kg.

Hopefully its a spike and wont last long, and hopefully that kg is of lean mass.

LOL. Ok more huff and puff at the gym.

Listen.

Yeah, this song took me thru the rough times some time back.

Listen

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my own...

Project 100 Days

Yup, I am into the 7th day of my project 100 Days.

Goals are:

Lose some weight. 20 kg.

Tone up. Need more definition.

Bulk up. Yeah I wanna be a hulk-of-a behemoth !

Current weigh in 88 kg ! Good number ! and stand at 175cm.

Wish me luck!

Counter

Been having problems finding a right counter for stats of visitors to my humble blog.

Anyone able to gimme a pointer in the right direction on this ?

Many thanks !

Truly Closing A Chapter

I thought I would start off this blog with a closing of a chapter in my life.

Been through a rough break a few months back. 6 years. It is not easy to go through the break after 6 years of emotional attachment, co-committments on many things and financial undertakings.

I didn't initiate it. I let X cast the first stone. I was accused of many things. Neglecting, not being there, nothing good I suppose. Is it really true that he who casts the first stone is without sin? I didn't argue - does it mean I am guilty ?

I have always believed that my actions will be louder than words.

Reflecting things I have done, I actually believed that I would make X happier when I changed my job as my previous job sometimes call for irregular hours and long periods of being away. With the new job, while it takes more hours on the job, does not call for me to be overseas. Most importantly, changing job is for greener pastures so that money can be made to provide a comfortable lifestyle and achieve the dreams we had.

No - in X view, I have neglected X.

My family fell out with me 6 years ago when I moved out to stay together so that we can have more time spent together. I can still remember the punches and sharp knife from an angry parent on me for walking out that door.

No - in X view, I am not there for X.

There were tough times. As much as possible I paid for most things that I can afford to and ensure that money is enough to last to the next payday. Phone bills, TV bills, Internet bills, couple of 50s every other day for pocket money.

No - in X view, I am not doing good enough.

The most gullible thing I have done were to have given up my friends. At X's apparent dislike, I shyed away from my close friends. I gave them up. 6 years - my friends say i MIA and stopped calling me altogether. I never had a good heart to heart talk with anyone about my stress, my problems....

No - in X's view, I am spending too much time with my colleagues.

I gave up my love. Gym. I used to love gymming lots ! But X didn't like it as it takes time away from X. I stopped. I grew so fat over the last 6 years and X commented that I am getting too fat. And all intimacy stopped since 3 years ago. I remained faithful still. I tried to restart my gym work, by then I have developed tonnes of excuse not to go.

No - I have lost the physical appeal.

True I admit that I am wrong for getting too engross with my work, entertaining clients, colleagues etc. Its all for the sake of business so that our dreams can be realised soon.

But I remained silent. I let myself to be accused. I let myself to be run down.

At the end of 6 years, I am left with nothing. I am drained of all things tangibles and intangibles. I lost alot of my confidence to devote to a relationship in hope to have it built to something for life.

The relationship was my confidence, I realised. I pinned everything on it.

I drove for the longest time in the night. I scrolled down the phone book, I have no friends in the circle to talk to. I cried as I drove. I got so tired I spent the night at a remote carpark.

I tried. I could have felt angry and rebutt all accusations, argue, quarrell but I am tired le. Call me a pacifist. I have placed myself on the lower end in this relationship, might as well end it that way. Misunderstood so be it. Accused for all the wrong intentions, so be it.

For now and a for a while, I will place myself as priority for once and pick up the pieces. Yet, I learned not to place the bitterness on the next love. I have learnt from this lesson. It is still painful and it hurts still. The time will come.

For now, its renewal on many fronts. Let me be selfish for a while. I wanna make new friends, visit places I never get to go, go dancing when I want to.

For my sake, I should.

So here you go. I lay this stone down now. I shall not carry you anymore.

Gym anyone?