Truly Closing A Chapter

I thought I would start off this blog with a closing of a chapter in my life.

Been through a rough break a few months back. 6 years. It is not easy to go through the break after 6 years of emotional attachment, co-committments on many things and financial undertakings.

I didn't initiate it. I let X cast the first stone. I was accused of many things. Neglecting, not being there, nothing good I suppose. Is it really true that he who casts the first stone is without sin? I didn't argue - does it mean I am guilty ?

I have always believed that my actions will be louder than words.

Reflecting things I have done, I actually believed that I would make X happier when I changed my job as my previous job sometimes call for irregular hours and long periods of being away. With the new job, while it takes more hours on the job, does not call for me to be overseas. Most importantly, changing job is for greener pastures so that money can be made to provide a comfortable lifestyle and achieve the dreams we had.

No - in X view, I have neglected X.

My family fell out with me 6 years ago when I moved out to stay together so that we can have more time spent together. I can still remember the punches and sharp knife from an angry parent on me for walking out that door.

No - in X view, I am not there for X.

There were tough times. As much as possible I paid for most things that I can afford to and ensure that money is enough to last to the next payday. Phone bills, TV bills, Internet bills, couple of 50s every other day for pocket money.

No - in X view, I am not doing good enough.

The most gullible thing I have done were to have given up my friends. At X's apparent dislike, I shyed away from my close friends. I gave them up. 6 years - my friends say i MIA and stopped calling me altogether. I never had a good heart to heart talk with anyone about my stress, my problems....

No - in X's view, I am spending too much time with my colleagues.

I gave up my love. Gym. I used to love gymming lots ! But X didn't like it as it takes time away from X. I stopped. I grew so fat over the last 6 years and X commented that I am getting too fat. And all intimacy stopped since 3 years ago. I remained faithful still. I tried to restart my gym work, by then I have developed tonnes of excuse not to go.

No - I have lost the physical appeal.

True I admit that I am wrong for getting too engross with my work, entertaining clients, colleagues etc. Its all for the sake of business so that our dreams can be realised soon.

But I remained silent. I let myself to be accused. I let myself to be run down.

At the end of 6 years, I am left with nothing. I am drained of all things tangibles and intangibles. I lost alot of my confidence to devote to a relationship in hope to have it built to something for life.

The relationship was my confidence, I realised. I pinned everything on it.

I drove for the longest time in the night. I scrolled down the phone book, I have no friends in the circle to talk to. I cried as I drove. I got so tired I spent the night at a remote carpark.

I tried. I could have felt angry and rebutt all accusations, argue, quarrell but I am tired le. Call me a pacifist. I have placed myself on the lower end in this relationship, might as well end it that way. Misunderstood so be it. Accused for all the wrong intentions, so be it.

For now and a for a while, I will place myself as priority for once and pick up the pieces. Yet, I learned not to place the bitterness on the next love. I have learnt from this lesson. It is still painful and it hurts still. The time will come.

For now, its renewal on many fronts. Let me be selfish for a while. I wanna make new friends, visit places I never get to go, go dancing when I want to.

For my sake, I should.

So here you go. I lay this stone down now. I shall not carry you anymore.

Gym anyone?